Some simple early steps for Dad

We used a little humor in discussing your participation but I thought it might be valuable to provide some insight into this entire bridal experience. Fathers have a big role in the wedding above and beyond "paying for it". I am not going to lie sometimes the very best thing you can do is stay out of the way. Having said that there is much to do and the earlier you have an impact the better. Here are some thoughts for you that we have seen work:

1. Go see the venue early- Picking a venue is one of the very first decisions that will be made. It will also represent the largest investment you make as well ( yes, I know that college and her whole life was more...). Since it is an early stage it is a great time to get involved. It is a chance to share the moment with your daughter and also to get a feel to what direction she (and her mom) are going. Try to encourage your daughter to hold off on a "date" until she finds a venue that she loves and it is available. We see a lot of brides that get stuck on a date (10-10-10 as an example) and end up going crazy trying to find a place they like.

2. Listen to her ideas on what type of wedding she wants to have. Listen to her details. You are hoping to learn what is important to her. This is not to trick her or influence her. It is simply to learn a little more about her heart and desires for that day. There will come a time in most weddings where sacrifices and decisions will have to be made in order to stay on budget. It would be nice for you to know up front what her intentions are. It will help you help her; make better decisions.

3. Get on the same page with your wife- This is a good time to get in synch with your daughters mom. Your success is tied to her success. She most likely has been waiting a very long time for this moment. You can help and make this is a great experience. (Note: If you are divorced this is still a good idea if you can. If not, it is still good to call or send a note of support early in the process. (Don't worry we will have much more on divorce and its impact in the future.)

3. Meet the fiance's parents- My guess is you already know who they are and you have met them. This time when you meet them there is a little more at stake...and a different agenda. Getting together with the other parents is a good idea early in the process. It allows you to "get their input" early on. Yes, most likely you have decided that you are in charge and paying for the wedding. In some instances at this event the grooms parents may offer to pay. If you do not want them to participate, this is where you can thank them for their assistance but decline. If you are inclined to accept it would be nice to know this early. They many have other input such as: they have an unusually large family, certain wedding traditions, seek your input on the rehearsal dinner, family issues such as step parents, etc., dates that are bad for them. Getting the grooms family input early is a winner.

4. Start asking around other more experienced "Father of the Brides". We are out there in great numbers. Everyone has a story and everyone has a bit of advice. Start with your father in-law. That should be good for a laugh or two. If you love your daughter (and I assume if you are reading this you do...) then talking to other men who love their daughters and gave them away will benefit you.

www.piazzainthevillage.com

Participation

Most Dad's give the same response when I ask them: " How goes the wedding plans?". They usually say; "I have two roles; walk her down the aisle and Banker (some actually say they are the "Executive Producer of the Event"). This is usually code for "mom and daughter are focused/intense/on purpose" and I am just trying to say out of the way until they need money. We will focus on being the banker in another blog.

Where do you fit in? How much should you get involved? Where is it safe to provide input and direction? Should you speak only when spoken to? You get the picture. Here are a couple of simple basic realities you can work within. They are not perfect but they fit a pretty wide spectrum:

1. Her mom has been thinking about this day since before she was born. Most likely your daughter has been thinking about her wedding since the very first time she saw a bride in a dress whether that was a real bride or a Barbie doll. In other words, they have a whole bunch of time already invested in ideas and dreams for the wedding. They want to hear your opinions but let's face it; yours have a much shorter life span.

2. There is a grooms mom in this exciting day to come. Sometimes she is welcomed into all of the planning right from the start. Although they might not ever admit it sometimes she is welcomed but they are secretly hoping she really does not have very much input; if any at all. Sometimes she is not welcome only she does not know it. Make sure you know this answer before you start backing or supporting any of her ideas.

3. Your daughter may not always want your opinion but she ALWAYS wants your attention. This is the biggest day of her life (you already had yours with her when she was born...) and she expects you to pay attention and be a part of it. Focus and listen. Call her and ask how it is going. Offer to help. Turn the game off when she is talking.

4. She needs a budget EARLY in the process. The earlier the better. There are too many decisions and priorities to make without you helping her by putting in some restrictions. Even if you are smitten by your little girl and seek to give her everything she wants; she still needs a a budget. It will help her; I promise.

5. Here are some areas you should have an opinion or participation:

A. Go to the dress fitting or final selection. Your daughter will look beautiful in her dress. I promise. Right now you will only see her one day in it. If you go to the final dress selection you can sneak another day in. It is worth it. You will love every dress she puts on no matter what the cost. It is a really cool experience. It was my very first real "wow moment" that she really was going to get married. (Note: You can also catch the bridal pictures too-I missed these. )

B. Walking down the aisle and your first dance are yours and yours alone. Have an opinion and participate. If she wants to do a cool dance; go for it. Start collecting pictures of you and her and play them while you are dancing. (See my picture below for an example of this...)

C. Spend some time with her listening and or selecting the song you will dance to with her. It is and will be a clear boo-hoo moment.

D. Note: I did not say get involved with the guest list. If asked (only if asked and very reluctantly...), provide a list of the people you have thought of that should be considered. If you gave her a budget you are already feeling the effects of the list selection. This is an area to stay out of and avoid for as long as possible.

6. Finally tell her fiance the next time you see him that "You have not given her away to him yet. Right now she is all yours and will be until that night!" Always good to mark your territory.

www.piazzainthevillage.com

The first "blink"...

It has been one year, nine months and 17 days since my daughter Christine got married. A little over three years since she got engaged. I had zero experience in "marrying off" a daughter prior to that date. Since that date, we have personally seen almost 200 weddings. That's right 200. In each wedding, we get a direct full-on view of the Dad right before he walks his daughter down the aisle. A little background here: " I am one of four owners ( My wife Ditto, my sister Heather and my brother in-law, Chris-my name is Michael) of the Piazza in the Village in Colleyville, Tx. We are a wedding and reception venue about 7 miles west of DFW airport. That is why so many weddings.

Back to the "view". I open the left door. The dad and daughter are standing right in front of me. The daughter is trying to catch her breath and hold back the tears. The "dads" are most often trying to do the same. Right before the door opens, the dads usually twitch or blink for just a moment. I know that blink. I did it too. It is a "blink" of full on recognition that they are about to give away (to another man) their very precious daughter. They have prepared for it, planned for it, rehearsed it in their mind but there is nothing like this moment. This is before the tears, before the proud smiles, before the heartfelt toasts. It is a life mark. Until you experience it; you won't get it. Once you do; you will remember it and everything about that day forever.

This blog is intended for the men who will be standing next to their daughters waiting to take that walk down the aisle. The "people that are going to blink". Prior to this moment there are decisions to be made, conflicts to overcome, parties to attend, memories to make and of course, money to spend. Hopefully we can share some ideas, experience and perspective for you in the coming months that you can use.

From one Father of the Bride to another; I hope you enjoy it.

www.piazzainthevillage.com