Be ready...it's going to be emotional

Last week I was talking to a Father of the Bride. His daughters wedding was almost a year out. We were discussing expenses, "complaining about all the little details", etc- typical guy talk about weddings. Very light and very friendly.

I said I know it is a year out but I want to give you two small bits of advice about your walk with your daughter down the aisle. His demeanor changed pretty quickly. You can see it every time in a Dad's eyes. His entire body language changed: we were going to talk about a time that he has thought of for his daughters entire life... the walk down the aisle. We often joke about how long mom's and daughters have been thinking about getting married and all that it involves. For Dad's (and I recognize that not EVERY Dad fits this...) it is much less about the whole wedding and very much about that long walk down the aisle to "give away" our daughter to this man that has "invaded" our lives. Just kidding... grooms. He got serious but more important; he also started to get emotional. I am not talking about a boo-hoo moment but the look in his eye was one I see alot (and also experienced). The look said; this is important; this is going to be special; and I am not quite sure how I am going to handle it or react.

My advice for him was that when it was time to walk down the aisle to go ahead and clear every one out of the room so you can have a very, very special moment alone with your daughter. At the Piazza we have a bridal suite with a flat screen that allows you see what is happening in the chapel. A bride can literally "watch her wedding". Once the grandparents, mom's start to walk down the aisle they can watch it. My suggestion is that you should "shoo out the brides maids, flower girls, maid of honor" in those last moments so you can just spend some quality time with your daughter "watching her wedding unfold. For me it was a time to tell Christine I loved her, tell her just how beautiful she really looked and to pray with her. It was also a time to watch her wedding before we walked down the aisle. It is an incredibly special moment and one that every Dad should get.

By the time I was done with that story his eyes were "misty" and like most Dad's it is pretty easy to put yourself in that position no matter how far out the date might be. Personally I loved the dreaded walk down the aisle. I was proud and a little bit sad both at the same time. Believe it or not, I actually liked the Father/Daughter dance even more but we will leave that for another post.

Get ready to be emotional. Trust me you will love it.

PS: The second bit of advice I gave him is that there is no reason to be nervous when you are walking your daughter down the aisle. The reason? No one is looking at the Dad....

I am an idiot...

So after the last blog about the ten rules for a wedding, last weekend we completely ignored number one. We had a wedding reception (it was actually a brunch-they were married the night before with a smaller family group) on a Sunday morning in downtown Dallas at 11:30 and we missed it.

Lot's of excuses why but simply we were a no-show. Our good friends (at least they were prior to us not attending) had to pay for our meals, drinks and explain our two empty spots at a table because we are idiots. I have asked forgiveness ( that is the very least we can do...) by email so far, they are still on their honeymoon.

It is such a horrible thing to do to people you like. Having been on the receiving end (when my daughter got married) I know how it feels to have people you might have not invited to save a space for someone important to you and then have them not show up. It's not the money (although that grinds at you) it is the complete lack of respect and recognition that their day was not of enough importance to you; to at least show up.

Yes, I feel guilty and I should. Don't do it to other people. Be ready because it is going to happen to you. Call the folks on your list, send a reminder email. Maybe we should all have two "save the date" cards. One in the beginning and one at the end. Ironically the closer the bride/family gets to the date, the more important and all encompassing the date becomes. For your guests though it can be a date they reserved a very long time ago and one that with each day is farther from their memory.

At least that is part of the excuse I have going. Don't invite me to your wedding... I might not show up.

Ten Can't miss rules for a Wedding Guest

Rule One: Show up

I guess it is obvious that in order to use a 10 point list when attending a wedding that you have to start with showing up. Unfortunately many people do not seem to understand this. There may be no bigger way to show a relative, friend or business partner how little they mean to you than to RSVP for a wedding and not show up.

The industry averages 10-15 percent no shows that RSVP. One wedding had a 50% no-show for people who RSVP’d.

Your hosts can be paying some where between 50 to 200 a person to share their special day with you. If you RSVP and do not come it is incredibly rude. If you are not committed, just say you cannot come. Most likely they had to cut their list back so they could afford the wedding. If you simply tell them you cannot go; they save the money or invite someone else that did not make the first cut.

There are no good excuses other than your own personal sickness. Things like baseball games, “you just forgot”. “the kids got sick”, “ we could not get a baby sitter” will not fly. You are better off just saying you are not going without an excuse than to have one after you RSVP and no show.

If you are RSVP and then find out you cannot go. Please call. Usually a bride has one to two weeks prior to the wedding to change their count. You can help them save money or invite someone that can come.

Rule Two: Show up on time

If the wedding starts at 7:00pm you should be there by 6:50. Arrive 10 minutes early. You would not believe how many people show up late for weddings. Most weddings last 20-25 minutes. If you are 10 minutes late you can miss over half the wedding. We have people that show up 45 minutes late. Yes brides do run late but not all brides. I would say 50% of them start right on time or would start if everyone is there. Get the directions prior to leaving for the wedding. (Note: Brides please make sure your grandparents and those in the wedding party/family members have the right directions. If someone is supposed to walk down the aisle and they get lost, everything gets crazy.) Make sure you have enough time to find the location. Be aware of traffic. Remember just because it is not the most important day of your life; it is for the bride, groom and parents. Assuming you are close to one of them the least you can do is show up on time to see the wedding.

Rule Three: RSVP quickly-do not wait.

We all have the best of intentions but this is an easy one to forget. Your best option is to respond the day you get it. Check your calendar and respond. You will have an envelope with a stamp and a simple check box and # attending. All very simple. Getting a guest count really helps the bride and family. It also keeps them from having to call you or track you down. Remember if you are not going it is better to tell them upfront then lie and say you are going and not show up.

Rule Four: If you have nothing nice to say; don’t say anything at all.

This ties closely with rule 7. We all have opinions but sometimes it is just not necessary to share them. Been to a better wedding facility? Had better food? Was the last wedding an open bar and not a cash bar? Heard a better DJ? Think the bride and groom will never make it? Don’t like the dresses? All these things need to be kept to your self. This is especially true of the bride and family. Remember everything at the wedding was chosen by someone and that “someone” liked them.

We had a wedding recently where the father of the bride was estranged from the bride. He went to the wedding but did not have a tux, walk her down the aisle or dance the father/daughter dance. I happened to overhear guests talking about the “deadbeat Dad” right next to him. You may be sitting with a step-mom, grand parent, close friend, doctor, etc. I know we love to gossip at weddings and family events but there is a high probability (50%) that you might be talking to the other side of the family about the grooms past history or the brides former boyfriends that you liked better. If you follow this rule you will always be safe.

Rule Five: Stay for the reception

When you get invited to the wedding it is for both the service and the reception. People that leave right after the service end up causing the same issues as people who do not show at all. It is important that you attend both events.

Attendance is defined as:

1. Seeing the wedding ceremony from start to finish

2. Attending the cocktail party

3. Staying for the meal

4. Staying for the cake cutting, bridal toss, garter, etc.

5. Seeing the bride and groom off to their honeymoon.

Reaching step 3 is the bare minimum- Step 4 is being very respectful of the bride and groom. Step 5 should always be your intention and planned time of leaving. If you have to leave early, try and stay through step 4 at least.

Rule Six: Don’t get hammered

Act like you have been out before. Just because it is an open bar does not make it “open season”. Find another time to experiment, let off some steam or for some; make it a change of pace and not get “lit”. There is nothing worse than a guest throwing up in the bathroom or bushes, falling over on the dance floor, slobbering all over the bride… you get the point. Also do not show up already hammered either. We have had to shut off a guest in the first cocktail hour. In another we never served them at all. They had partied prior. Bad idea. Also a DUI is a really bad way to have the bride remember you on her wedding day.

Rule Seven: Thank the bride/ groom and parents; say something nice

When you get a chance to say hello or thank you to the bride and groom, say something nice. Give them a compliment. They have worked hard and stressed over every detail. Do your part and notice. Find something you like and share that with them. Most important they would like to hear that you had a good time. Be nice.

Rule Eight: If your kids are not invited; leave your kids at home

Unless they were invited, leave them at home. They were not invited for a reason. They were not planned for so please get a baby sitter. If your kids are invited, please remember that the wedding is not about them. It is about the bride. I do not care how close you are to the bride or how close your kids are.

Let your kids dance but not every dance, not in the middle of the floor, not while the bride/groom are dancing their first dance, father daughter dance etc. Just because there is no one on the dance floor; it is not open season for them to dance by themselves. The lights and music are almost spell binding for kids. Kids are also very cute while they are dancing. If you are not careful they will take over the wedding. It is about the bride and groom first and foremost; not your kids.

Rule Nine: What goes on in the photo booth does not stay in the photo booth

Many photo booths have an option to record all pictures for a DVD. Enough said.

Rule 10: Don’t wear white or jeans either.

Only the bride wears white at a wedding. Not you. If you are a step mom and you want the bride to hate you for the rest of your life; wear white. Please, just do not go there.

Also do not wear jeans, flip-flops, shorts, etc.. Yes there are Cowboy weddings, and weddings on the beach. Unless you can get your feet wet in the ocean or the groom is wearing a Cowboy hat and specifically requests you wear jeans; leave the jeans at home. You must have something else to wear. If you do not own a pair of pants or a dress then buy one. If you cannot afford to buy some; please borrow some pants/dress from a friend or simply don’t go and send a really nice present instead.

A video for a Father of the Bride

This attached video on Youtube can only truly be appreciated by a Father of the Bride. This "bride" made this video for her father while visiting our place at Piazza in the Village. Not a professional video but just a daughter reaching out to her Dad.

Hang with it the best part is at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FYtatcLM1M

www.piazzainthevillage.com

Some simple early steps for Dad

We used a little humor in discussing your participation but I thought it might be valuable to provide some insight into this entire bridal experience. Fathers have a big role in the wedding above and beyond "paying for it". I am not going to lie sometimes the very best thing you can do is stay out of the way. Having said that there is much to do and the earlier you have an impact the better. Here are some thoughts for you that we have seen work:

1. Go see the venue early- Picking a venue is one of the very first decisions that will be made. It will also represent the largest investment you make as well ( yes, I know that college and her whole life was more...). Since it is an early stage it is a great time to get involved. It is a chance to share the moment with your daughter and also to get a feel to what direction she (and her mom) are going. Try to encourage your daughter to hold off on a "date" until she finds a venue that she loves and it is available. We see a lot of brides that get stuck on a date (10-10-10 as an example) and end up going crazy trying to find a place they like.

2. Listen to her ideas on what type of wedding she wants to have. Listen to her details. You are hoping to learn what is important to her. This is not to trick her or influence her. It is simply to learn a little more about her heart and desires for that day. There will come a time in most weddings where sacrifices and decisions will have to be made in order to stay on budget. It would be nice for you to know up front what her intentions are. It will help you help her; make better decisions.

3. Get on the same page with your wife- This is a good time to get in synch with your daughters mom. Your success is tied to her success. She most likely has been waiting a very long time for this moment. You can help and make this is a great experience. (Note: If you are divorced this is still a good idea if you can. If not, it is still good to call or send a note of support early in the process. (Don't worry we will have much more on divorce and its impact in the future.)

3. Meet the fiance's parents- My guess is you already know who they are and you have met them. This time when you meet them there is a little more at stake...and a different agenda. Getting together with the other parents is a good idea early in the process. It allows you to "get their input" early on. Yes, most likely you have decided that you are in charge and paying for the wedding. In some instances at this event the grooms parents may offer to pay. If you do not want them to participate, this is where you can thank them for their assistance but decline. If you are inclined to accept it would be nice to know this early. They many have other input such as: they have an unusually large family, certain wedding traditions, seek your input on the rehearsal dinner, family issues such as step parents, etc., dates that are bad for them. Getting the grooms family input early is a winner.

4. Start asking around other more experienced "Father of the Brides". We are out there in great numbers. Everyone has a story and everyone has a bit of advice. Start with your father in-law. That should be good for a laugh or two. If you love your daughter (and I assume if you are reading this you do...) then talking to other men who love their daughters and gave them away will benefit you.

www.piazzainthevillage.com

Participation

Most Dad's give the same response when I ask them: " How goes the wedding plans?". They usually say; "I have two roles; walk her down the aisle and Banker (some actually say they are the "Executive Producer of the Event"). This is usually code for "mom and daughter are focused/intense/on purpose" and I am just trying to say out of the way until they need money. We will focus on being the banker in another blog.

Where do you fit in? How much should you get involved? Where is it safe to provide input and direction? Should you speak only when spoken to? You get the picture. Here are a couple of simple basic realities you can work within. They are not perfect but they fit a pretty wide spectrum:

1. Her mom has been thinking about this day since before she was born. Most likely your daughter has been thinking about her wedding since the very first time she saw a bride in a dress whether that was a real bride or a Barbie doll. In other words, they have a whole bunch of time already invested in ideas and dreams for the wedding. They want to hear your opinions but let's face it; yours have a much shorter life span.

2. There is a grooms mom in this exciting day to come. Sometimes she is welcomed into all of the planning right from the start. Although they might not ever admit it sometimes she is welcomed but they are secretly hoping she really does not have very much input; if any at all. Sometimes she is not welcome only she does not know it. Make sure you know this answer before you start backing or supporting any of her ideas.

3. Your daughter may not always want your opinion but she ALWAYS wants your attention. This is the biggest day of her life (you already had yours with her when she was born...) and she expects you to pay attention and be a part of it. Focus and listen. Call her and ask how it is going. Offer to help. Turn the game off when she is talking.

4. She needs a budget EARLY in the process. The earlier the better. There are too many decisions and priorities to make without you helping her by putting in some restrictions. Even if you are smitten by your little girl and seek to give her everything she wants; she still needs a a budget. It will help her; I promise.

5. Here are some areas you should have an opinion or participation:

A. Go to the dress fitting or final selection. Your daughter will look beautiful in her dress. I promise. Right now you will only see her one day in it. If you go to the final dress selection you can sneak another day in. It is worth it. You will love every dress she puts on no matter what the cost. It is a really cool experience. It was my very first real "wow moment" that she really was going to get married. (Note: You can also catch the bridal pictures too-I missed these. )

B. Walking down the aisle and your first dance are yours and yours alone. Have an opinion and participate. If she wants to do a cool dance; go for it. Start collecting pictures of you and her and play them while you are dancing. (See my picture below for an example of this...)

C. Spend some time with her listening and or selecting the song you will dance to with her. It is and will be a clear boo-hoo moment.

D. Note: I did not say get involved with the guest list. If asked (only if asked and very reluctantly...), provide a list of the people you have thought of that should be considered. If you gave her a budget you are already feeling the effects of the list selection. This is an area to stay out of and avoid for as long as possible.

6. Finally tell her fiance the next time you see him that "You have not given her away to him yet. Right now she is all yours and will be until that night!" Always good to mark your territory.

www.piazzainthevillage.com

The first "blink"...

It has been one year, nine months and 17 days since my daughter Christine got married. A little over three years since she got engaged. I had zero experience in "marrying off" a daughter prior to that date. Since that date, we have personally seen almost 200 weddings. That's right 200. In each wedding, we get a direct full-on view of the Dad right before he walks his daughter down the aisle. A little background here: " I am one of four owners ( My wife Ditto, my sister Heather and my brother in-law, Chris-my name is Michael) of the Piazza in the Village in Colleyville, Tx. We are a wedding and reception venue about 7 miles west of DFW airport. That is why so many weddings.

Back to the "view". I open the left door. The dad and daughter are standing right in front of me. The daughter is trying to catch her breath and hold back the tears. The "dads" are most often trying to do the same. Right before the door opens, the dads usually twitch or blink for just a moment. I know that blink. I did it too. It is a "blink" of full on recognition that they are about to give away (to another man) their very precious daughter. They have prepared for it, planned for it, rehearsed it in their mind but there is nothing like this moment. This is before the tears, before the proud smiles, before the heartfelt toasts. It is a life mark. Until you experience it; you won't get it. Once you do; you will remember it and everything about that day forever.

This blog is intended for the men who will be standing next to their daughters waiting to take that walk down the aisle. The "people that are going to blink". Prior to this moment there are decisions to be made, conflicts to overcome, parties to attend, memories to make and of course, money to spend. Hopefully we can share some ideas, experience and perspective for you in the coming months that you can use.

From one Father of the Bride to another; I hope you enjoy it.

www.piazzainthevillage.com