Your words

If you are a Father of the Bride at some point people will want to hear from you. Many Dad's are okay paying the bill, walking the aisle and even dancing the Father/Daughter dance. Many wish to draw the line when it comes to "welcoming folks" or having to make any sort of speech. Odds are pretty good you will be speaking.

There are two points that are pretty well known (not including your required... Who gives this bride? responsibility) where you have an opportunity to say something. These are at the rehearsal dinner and at the reception.

Usually at the rehearsal dinner it is a very relaxed opportunity with very close family and friends. Everyone speaks yet like the entire event your words really do stand out. It is a great time to share stories, funny moments as well as expressing your love and affection for your daughter. I could almost say "anything goes" however I would leave it to your daughter's friends to embarrass her or create some awkward moment.

The other time is at the reception. I would say that 50 to 75 percent of the time the Dad of the Bride (usually he is the one that paid for the wedding/reception) will make some opening comments. These are usually very short but the most successful ones have the following in them:

1. A welcome to the grooms family and also to your family and friends.
2. A special thanks to any grandparents of the bride and groom that are there.
2. Say something nice or funny about the groom. Welcome him into your family.
3. Acknowledge the brides mom and thank her for her effort.
4. Say something sweet and nice about your daughter
5. Encourage everyone to have a good time.
Note: This is usually not a time to offer a toast. You usually speak after they have had their first dance and prior to the meal.
Note 2: It is okay to have a "cheat card" or something to remember your subjects.

That's it. Obviously it is your wedding so you can add or delete from this list but this will pretty much cover it. In many instances the groom and bride may say something as well. You may want to tell your daughter that you would like to welcome everyone after she has her first dance.

I would be remiss if I did not tell you that this is not the most important words you can have at your daughters wedding. There is another more special time and that is right before she goes down the aisle.  Hopefully you have read my earlier blogs and know to kick everyone out of the bridal suite prior to the aisle walk and make sure you have some alone time with her. It may only be two or three minutes (At the Piazza it is very cool because you can actually watch the wedding with her as everyone goes down the aisle.) but they can be really special. It is just you and her and she is about to do the most important thing in her life up to that moment. For you it will be a moment that you will never forget. Your daughter is getting married! Have some words to tell her; encourage her, tell her you love her, pray with her, make her laugh. You will not want the moment to end.

Make it special for her. Remember on this day; your words do count.

Divorce and Dads

We had a wedding recently where the parents of the bride got in a yelling match during the picture session. It somewhere between really uncomfortable and downright ugly. The bride was in tears and the groom looked ready to vomit. I thought it was important to send out a message to "divorced Dads".  This does not mean that all Dad's that are divorced get in arguments or families that are not divorced do not get in arguments. I am not picking on divorced Dad's with this "advice". For those that are not divorced, I still think there is some healthy information here. Maybe the grooms parents are divorced and some of the information could be of use to you? At worst case it will encourage you not to get a divorce...

So this blog is to Dad's who are divorced.  I was one of those Dad's. There is so much to tell you  and as you already know, very little time. Everyone of these issues may not pertain to you but hopefully some will mesh. Here are some "rules' you can use:

1. It's not about you... If there was one short and sweet message we could send to (all) parents, guests, vendors, family, etc.; it would be; this wedding is not about you. For Dad's, it is about your daughter. If you can start here then everything else is going to fall into place. If you can't get this from the start, then you are going to have problems, I promise you. If you are divorced, then perhaps your next thought is; "I get this...tell my ex." Good thought but this blog is called "Father of the Bride". This wedding is not about you or your past or present feelings. It is about your daughter and the young man she intends to marry and spend the rest of her life. PS: "It's not about you" is the very first sentence from the book; "The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren". A great book.

2. If your relationship with your daughter is not what you want it to be; try and fix it now. (Not the day of the wedding...) I know this is incredibly hard and obviously has an enormous amount of potential potholes. We see Dad's all the time that do not walk their daughter down the aisle. Some brides do not even know if their Dad will show up. Some have to wait to the last minute and see if their dad will come to the chapel and walk her down the aisle. You already know all the different obstacles and issues here. Try and see if you can fix some of your issues way before the wedding. This is a perfect time. My hope is that you want to fix it; wedding or not. Maybe you need to ask forgiveness? Maybe you need to forgive? Maybe you just need to tell your daughter that you love her, miss her and want to be a part of her life and her wedding. I know in each case it is far more complicated than this but it really is quite simple: On (you fill in the date...) your daughter is going to get married and have the most important day of her life. Most likely the day she was born was your "best day ever" but this wedding has great potential! Walking your daughter down the aisle and getting to dance with her is very, very cool. Why not do your part to make that happen?

3. If they want you to wear a tux; see rule number one above: Wear a tux. No questions asked. Just do it.

4. Figure out early what role (if any) the "step-parents/girl friend" are going to play. I wrote a blog dated: October 9, that listed the ten biggest mistakes made by guests at a wedding. Please read it. Nothing can cause more stress than the "steps/others" and their role or lack of role in the wedding. This is such a tense issue that there is no set rule. The only thing I can offer is that you start with Rule number one above and this also applies to step-parents, girl friends, grand parents, etc. Please try to see it through your daughters eyes. She has a vision and if possible you should try and help her achieve it. To brides that may be reading this..." Your parents are divorced; it was not your fault; and yes you are burdened with the consequences that come with their decisions." If you are getting married then you are now an adult and that means that the actions you take now "are your fault". Try and have empathy for your parents as well. Please treat everyone like an adult (even if they are not acting like adults), make decisions that show respect and love (even if you do not feel respected and loved...) to all involved. This is your wedding. Make it classy and fun for everyone."

5. Pay for some, part, or all of the wedding- I really do not care which this is for you. Everyone will be different. My recommendation is that it just not be zero. Most people think that Dad's most often pay for the wedding. This is true in many cases but not all. This is not intended to pressure you into spending money you do not have or start a war with your ex or daughter about past hurts, divorce rules, etc. I just want you to participate. Actually I really want you to offer to participate to whatever level you can and then hopefully participate. You will not regret it.

Weddings are stressful right from the start. If you are divorced, then you know that family events have another level of stress. Herb Kelleher, former President of Southwest Airlines was once asked why Southwest was so successful. He said:' We love our employees. Our employees love our customers. When you have that much love; you can make a lot of money...

You and your ex love your daughter. Your daughter loves you. When you have that much love going around; she can have an amazing wedding day....

www.piazzainthevillage.com

What to do when the stress/panic sets in...

We are getting a lot of snow in Dallas Fort Worth right now. It is creating havoc with the Super Bowl. Vendors, retailers, guests all had high expectations to party, shop or simply arrive in town on time. With every icy cold day that passes, the  time available to accomplish their goals is shrinking as we progress to the big game.

No different for a wedding. Lot's of work, fun and family with a due date that does not change. Inevitably something will go wrong and that usually means panic or at a minimum a lot of stress.

So as the Father of the Bride, what should you do? I have watched a number of Dad's navigate these troubled waters and I have had to do it myself. This is by far not a complete list of advice but it should get you started:

1. Remember this is a wedding and everything leans emotional and not rational. I know this is not true in all cases but when your daughters (or your wife's/mom's) head starts rotating 360 degrees over the selection of napkins, I want you to be prepared... A wedding is probably the most emotional event your daughter and her mom have ever been involved with together. Lots of pent up expectations and a completely unrealistic desire on everyone's part (including yours) that everything be perfect.  This means that even small issues can become large issues. My advice is too look at every issue and treat it as a big issue. This means everything is important and EVERY thing can produce stress and tension. I am basically trying to eliminate you telling them "this is not a big deal...you should not be getting upset about something this small...". It also is your daughters wedding so everything to you should be a big deal.

2. Ask early and often where you can help out: Natural inclination is to stay out of the way (Note: I have perfected since childhood: The less you know; the less you have to do...). That does not work in this case. If you are involved early and often then you can provide direction, opinions and help because you get what is going on. Never hurts to have a "meeting" once a week to get a status and find out where you can plug in.

3. Keep a close eye on the money- Early on there are lots of deposits and lots of vendors added. Be aware that these are only deposits and those numbers will grow. Just because a venue has a food and beverage minimum does not mean that you can plan on being below it come wedding day. If you have a large number of guests you will most likely exceed that number. Nothing builds stress like money issues. A budget by vendor is a good idea. How much you are targeting with each type vendor will help to keep things in line. You can always adjust as you go and move the money around if one is more than the other. NOTE: If you know what your daughter wants you can help her to prioritize what is most important to her. If you don't either you are going to have to spend much more than you expected so she can have EVERYTHING she wants or she is going to be disappointed. That is why you stay in touch.

4. Connect with the Groom with and without your daughter: Let's face it. She is soon going to be all his... The sooner you two can get on the same page the better. This is a great time to get to know him more and also to build the kind of team work you hopefully want for the rest of their lives. Also he is getting the brunt of all issues and he could certainly use some support as well. You might be able to go through him to get some of your ideas implemented. If you have not noticed she is probably a little more open to his ideas than yours anyway.

5. Take care of at least your side of the family: Have an issue with your side? You need to step up and take care of it. Even if it is not "what you do..."; you need to step up in this instance.

Stress and challenges never end: Expect it up to the very moment when she walks down the aisle. Embrace it, enjoy it and just remember in most instances you also get to pay for it!

Hope this helps.
www.piazzainthevillage.com

Happy New Year and Getting some answers for you

If you are reading this blog it means that your daughter is most likely going to get married this year (2011). Maybe it just happened this past weekend or over the Christmas holiday. If so, welcome to the club. Either it is just around the corner or you have a little breathing room before the big day. My intention is to help you get ready. Sometimes the information is for you and other times it will be for her. This time it is for you.

The advice is simple. Spend a little time asking other "Dad's" who have had daughters get married if they have any advice for you. Don't restrict the advice subject or even the timeliness of the wedding. Ask people that had daughters married last week, last year or even in the last century. Ask your father in law. Ask a grand parent.  You get the idea. Just ask them for their advice. You will have fun with the answers.

After you get by some of the early responses that will usually revolve around: how much more money they spent than expected. how crazy things got or they cannot believe what "Aunt "Harriet" or Uncle "Fred" did that night; you will be excited, impressed and maybe even shocked by their responses.

Here are some great questions to ask them.
1. How big was the wedding? Was there too many people? Not enough? Where did they get married?
2. What was their best moment?
3. Do you have any advice for me?
4. What would you do differently if you could?
5. How was the walk down the aisle? The father/daughter dance?

Finally don't forget to ask your daughter about her expectations, dreams, ideas. After all she is the star of the show. Her mom (if allowed) is probably the Director and that leaves you most likely with the title of Executive Producer... you know what that means.  That title of course goes along very nicely with "Father of the Bride" as well.

Note: Please make sure that you go back and read some of the earlier blogs. There is one called early steps that has some great information for new brides and their Dad's.
PS: If you have a question, just send it to me at michael@piazzainthevillage.com. I would be very pleased to answer it.
www.piazzainthevillage.com

Be ready...it's going to be emotional

Last week I was talking to a Father of the Bride. His daughters wedding was almost a year out. We were discussing expenses, "complaining about all the little details", etc- typical guy talk about weddings. Very light and very friendly.

I said I know it is a year out but I want to give you two small bits of advice about your walk with your daughter down the aisle. His demeanor changed pretty quickly. You can see it every time in a Dad's eyes. His entire body language changed: we were going to talk about a time that he has thought of for his daughters entire life... the walk down the aisle. We often joke about how long mom's and daughters have been thinking about getting married and all that it involves. For Dad's (and I recognize that not EVERY Dad fits this...) it is much less about the whole wedding and very much about that long walk down the aisle to "give away" our daughter to this man that has "invaded" our lives. Just kidding... grooms. He got serious but more important; he also started to get emotional. I am not talking about a boo-hoo moment but the look in his eye was one I see alot (and also experienced). The look said; this is important; this is going to be special; and I am not quite sure how I am going to handle it or react.

My advice for him was that when it was time to walk down the aisle to go ahead and clear every one out of the room so you can have a very, very special moment alone with your daughter. At the Piazza we have a bridal suite with a flat screen that allows you see what is happening in the chapel. A bride can literally "watch her wedding". Once the grandparents, mom's start to walk down the aisle they can watch it. My suggestion is that you should "shoo out the brides maids, flower girls, maid of honor" in those last moments so you can just spend some quality time with your daughter "watching her wedding unfold. For me it was a time to tell Christine I loved her, tell her just how beautiful she really looked and to pray with her. It was also a time to watch her wedding before we walked down the aisle. It is an incredibly special moment and one that every Dad should get.

By the time I was done with that story his eyes were "misty" and like most Dad's it is pretty easy to put yourself in that position no matter how far out the date might be. Personally I loved the dreaded walk down the aisle. I was proud and a little bit sad both at the same time. Believe it or not, I actually liked the Father/Daughter dance even more but we will leave that for another post.

Get ready to be emotional. Trust me you will love it.

PS: The second bit of advice I gave him is that there is no reason to be nervous when you are walking your daughter down the aisle. The reason? No one is looking at the Dad....

I am an idiot...

So after the last blog about the ten rules for a wedding, last weekend we completely ignored number one. We had a wedding reception (it was actually a brunch-they were married the night before with a smaller family group) on a Sunday morning in downtown Dallas at 11:30 and we missed it.

Lot's of excuses why but simply we were a no-show. Our good friends (at least they were prior to us not attending) had to pay for our meals, drinks and explain our two empty spots at a table because we are idiots. I have asked forgiveness ( that is the very least we can do...) by email so far, they are still on their honeymoon.

It is such a horrible thing to do to people you like. Having been on the receiving end (when my daughter got married) I know how it feels to have people you might have not invited to save a space for someone important to you and then have them not show up. It's not the money (although that grinds at you) it is the complete lack of respect and recognition that their day was not of enough importance to you; to at least show up.

Yes, I feel guilty and I should. Don't do it to other people. Be ready because it is going to happen to you. Call the folks on your list, send a reminder email. Maybe we should all have two "save the date" cards. One in the beginning and one at the end. Ironically the closer the bride/family gets to the date, the more important and all encompassing the date becomes. For your guests though it can be a date they reserved a very long time ago and one that with each day is farther from their memory.

At least that is part of the excuse I have going. Don't invite me to your wedding... I might not show up.

Ten Can't miss rules for a Wedding Guest

Rule One: Show up

I guess it is obvious that in order to use a 10 point list when attending a wedding that you have to start with showing up. Unfortunately many people do not seem to understand this. There may be no bigger way to show a relative, friend or business partner how little they mean to you than to RSVP for a wedding and not show up.

The industry averages 10-15 percent no shows that RSVP. One wedding had a 50% no-show for people who RSVP’d.

Your hosts can be paying some where between 50 to 200 a person to share their special day with you. If you RSVP and do not come it is incredibly rude. If you are not committed, just say you cannot come. Most likely they had to cut their list back so they could afford the wedding. If you simply tell them you cannot go; they save the money or invite someone else that did not make the first cut.

There are no good excuses other than your own personal sickness. Things like baseball games, “you just forgot”. “the kids got sick”, “ we could not get a baby sitter” will not fly. You are better off just saying you are not going without an excuse than to have one after you RSVP and no show.

If you are RSVP and then find out you cannot go. Please call. Usually a bride has one to two weeks prior to the wedding to change their count. You can help them save money or invite someone that can come.

Rule Two: Show up on time

If the wedding starts at 7:00pm you should be there by 6:50. Arrive 10 minutes early. You would not believe how many people show up late for weddings. Most weddings last 20-25 minutes. If you are 10 minutes late you can miss over half the wedding. We have people that show up 45 minutes late. Yes brides do run late but not all brides. I would say 50% of them start right on time or would start if everyone is there. Get the directions prior to leaving for the wedding. (Note: Brides please make sure your grandparents and those in the wedding party/family members have the right directions. If someone is supposed to walk down the aisle and they get lost, everything gets crazy.) Make sure you have enough time to find the location. Be aware of traffic. Remember just because it is not the most important day of your life; it is for the bride, groom and parents. Assuming you are close to one of them the least you can do is show up on time to see the wedding.

Rule Three: RSVP quickly-do not wait.

We all have the best of intentions but this is an easy one to forget. Your best option is to respond the day you get it. Check your calendar and respond. You will have an envelope with a stamp and a simple check box and # attending. All very simple. Getting a guest count really helps the bride and family. It also keeps them from having to call you or track you down. Remember if you are not going it is better to tell them upfront then lie and say you are going and not show up.

Rule Four: If you have nothing nice to say; don’t say anything at all.

This ties closely with rule 7. We all have opinions but sometimes it is just not necessary to share them. Been to a better wedding facility? Had better food? Was the last wedding an open bar and not a cash bar? Heard a better DJ? Think the bride and groom will never make it? Don’t like the dresses? All these things need to be kept to your self. This is especially true of the bride and family. Remember everything at the wedding was chosen by someone and that “someone” liked them.

We had a wedding recently where the father of the bride was estranged from the bride. He went to the wedding but did not have a tux, walk her down the aisle or dance the father/daughter dance. I happened to overhear guests talking about the “deadbeat Dad” right next to him. You may be sitting with a step-mom, grand parent, close friend, doctor, etc. I know we love to gossip at weddings and family events but there is a high probability (50%) that you might be talking to the other side of the family about the grooms past history or the brides former boyfriends that you liked better. If you follow this rule you will always be safe.

Rule Five: Stay for the reception

When you get invited to the wedding it is for both the service and the reception. People that leave right after the service end up causing the same issues as people who do not show at all. It is important that you attend both events.

Attendance is defined as:

1. Seeing the wedding ceremony from start to finish

2. Attending the cocktail party

3. Staying for the meal

4. Staying for the cake cutting, bridal toss, garter, etc.

5. Seeing the bride and groom off to their honeymoon.

Reaching step 3 is the bare minimum- Step 4 is being very respectful of the bride and groom. Step 5 should always be your intention and planned time of leaving. If you have to leave early, try and stay through step 4 at least.

Rule Six: Don’t get hammered

Act like you have been out before. Just because it is an open bar does not make it “open season”. Find another time to experiment, let off some steam or for some; make it a change of pace and not get “lit”. There is nothing worse than a guest throwing up in the bathroom or bushes, falling over on the dance floor, slobbering all over the bride… you get the point. Also do not show up already hammered either. We have had to shut off a guest in the first cocktail hour. In another we never served them at all. They had partied prior. Bad idea. Also a DUI is a really bad way to have the bride remember you on her wedding day.

Rule Seven: Thank the bride/ groom and parents; say something nice

When you get a chance to say hello or thank you to the bride and groom, say something nice. Give them a compliment. They have worked hard and stressed over every detail. Do your part and notice. Find something you like and share that with them. Most important they would like to hear that you had a good time. Be nice.

Rule Eight: If your kids are not invited; leave your kids at home

Unless they were invited, leave them at home. They were not invited for a reason. They were not planned for so please get a baby sitter. If your kids are invited, please remember that the wedding is not about them. It is about the bride. I do not care how close you are to the bride or how close your kids are.

Let your kids dance but not every dance, not in the middle of the floor, not while the bride/groom are dancing their first dance, father daughter dance etc. Just because there is no one on the dance floor; it is not open season for them to dance by themselves. The lights and music are almost spell binding for kids. Kids are also very cute while they are dancing. If you are not careful they will take over the wedding. It is about the bride and groom first and foremost; not your kids.

Rule Nine: What goes on in the photo booth does not stay in the photo booth

Many photo booths have an option to record all pictures for a DVD. Enough said.

Rule 10: Don’t wear white or jeans either.

Only the bride wears white at a wedding. Not you. If you are a step mom and you want the bride to hate you for the rest of your life; wear white. Please, just do not go there.

Also do not wear jeans, flip-flops, shorts, etc.. Yes there are Cowboy weddings, and weddings on the beach. Unless you can get your feet wet in the ocean or the groom is wearing a Cowboy hat and specifically requests you wear jeans; leave the jeans at home. You must have something else to wear. If you do not own a pair of pants or a dress then buy one. If you cannot afford to buy some; please borrow some pants/dress from a friend or simply don’t go and send a really nice present instead.