We had a wedding recently where the parents of the bride got in a yelling match during the picture session. It somewhere between really uncomfortable and downright ugly. The bride was in tears and the groom looked ready to vomit. I thought it was important to send out a message to "divorced Dads". This does not mean that all Dad's that are divorced get in arguments or families that are not divorced do not get in arguments. I am not picking on divorced Dad's with this "advice". For those that are not divorced, I still think there is some healthy information here. Maybe the grooms parents are divorced and some of the information could be of use to you? At worst case it will encourage you not to get a divorce...
So this blog is to Dad's who are divorced. I was one of those Dad's. There is so much to tell you and as you already know, very little time. Everyone of these issues may not pertain to you but hopefully some will mesh. Here are some "rules' you can use:
1. It's not about you... If there was one short and sweet message we could send to (all) parents, guests, vendors, family, etc.; it would be; this wedding is not about you. For Dad's, it is about your daughter. If you can start here then everything else is going to fall into place. If you can't get this from the start, then you are going to have problems, I promise you. If you are divorced, then perhaps your next thought is; "I get this...tell my ex." Good thought but this blog is called "Father of the Bride". This wedding is not about you or your past or present feelings. It is about your daughter and the young man she intends to marry and spend the rest of her life. PS: "It's not about you" is the very first sentence from the book; "The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren". A great book.
2. If your relationship with your daughter is not what you want it to be; try and fix it now. (Not the day of the wedding...) I know this is incredibly hard and obviously has an enormous amount of potential potholes. We see Dad's all the time that do not walk their daughter down the aisle. Some brides do not even know if their Dad will show up. Some have to wait to the last minute and see if their dad will come to the chapel and walk her down the aisle. You already know all the different obstacles and issues here. Try and see if you can fix some of your issues way before the wedding. This is a perfect time. My hope is that you want to fix it; wedding or not. Maybe you need to ask forgiveness? Maybe you need to forgive? Maybe you just need to tell your daughter that you love her, miss her and want to be a part of her life and her wedding. I know in each case it is far more complicated than this but it really is quite simple: On (you fill in the date...) your daughter is going to get married and have the most important day of her life. Most likely the day she was born was your "best day ever" but this wedding has great potential! Walking your daughter down the aisle and getting to dance with her is very, very cool. Why not do your part to make that happen?
3. If they want you to wear a tux; see rule number one above: Wear a tux. No questions asked. Just do it.
4. Figure out early what role (if any) the "step-parents/girl friend" are going to play. I wrote a blog dated: October 9, that listed the ten biggest mistakes made by guests at a wedding. Please read it. Nothing can cause more stress than the "steps/others" and their role or lack of role in the wedding. This is such a tense issue that there is no set rule. The only thing I can offer is that you start with Rule number one above and this also applies to step-parents, girl friends, grand parents, etc. Please try to see it through your daughters eyes. She has a vision and if possible you should try and help her achieve it. To brides that may be reading this..." Your parents are divorced; it was not your fault; and yes you are burdened with the consequences that come with their decisions." If you are getting married then you are now an adult and that means that the actions you take now "are your fault". Try and have empathy for your parents as well. Please treat everyone like an adult (even if they are not acting like adults), make decisions that show respect and love (even if you do not feel respected and loved...) to all involved. This is your wedding. Make it classy and fun for everyone."
5. Pay for some, part, or all of the wedding- I really do not care which this is for you. Everyone will be different. My recommendation is that it just not be zero. Most people think that Dad's most often pay for the wedding. This is true in many cases but not all. This is not intended to pressure you into spending money you do not have or start a war with your ex or daughter about past hurts, divorce rules, etc. I just want you to participate. Actually I really want you to offer to participate to whatever level you can and then hopefully participate. You will not regret it.
Weddings are stressful right from the start. If you are divorced, then you know that family events have another level of stress. Herb Kelleher, former President of Southwest Airlines was once asked why Southwest was so successful. He said:' We love our employees. Our employees love our customers. When you have that much love; you can make a lot of money...
You and your ex love your daughter. Your daughter loves you. When you have that much love going around; she can have an amazing wedding day....
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